I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
