who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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