also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
