Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
