Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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