best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
