xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
