Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
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I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
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Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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