You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
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gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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