final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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