I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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