What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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