Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
