Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I AM VODKA MAN
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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