the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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