I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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