He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
