Don't make out with my wife yet
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
