Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
