clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
