so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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