i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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