Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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