Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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