i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
