I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
