you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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