the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You may now shotgun with the bride
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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