I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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