I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
