I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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