So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
