watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
