How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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