So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
