woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am available for nakedness
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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