My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
