Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
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I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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