Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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