i need an iv and a liver transplant
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
