"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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