how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
