Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
