Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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