3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
