Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
sex in a hospital.. check
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
