im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize