It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
