I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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