How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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