just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
