that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
