yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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