My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
