my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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