One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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