I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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