Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
