tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
